Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
