paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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