There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
17 year olds will be the death of me.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
