Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize