OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And then my night got REAL pukey
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
