Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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