my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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