I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
