As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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