awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
