is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
