wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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