I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
