At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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