I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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