It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize