Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
