i can't believe i had my finger in that
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
