I wish I could teleport
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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