It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
