hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
