He had one of those small greek statue penises
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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