so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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