Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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