sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
