Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
