I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
