3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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