party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
