I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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