Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
