Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
