i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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