Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
