I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
