i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
