I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
