So drunk, too bad you don't want this
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
