so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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