I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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