either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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