If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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