I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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