Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
