Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
