College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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