Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
