i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
