I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
