My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
