I'm gonna have a badass scar
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
