I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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