I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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